


Holding On Is Hard To Do

by demotu



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Episode: s02e09 Something Borrowed, M/M, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-08
Updated: 2008-08-08
Packaged: 2017-10-13 18:18:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/140266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demotu/pseuds/demotu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto wonders at Jack's choices.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding On Is Hard To Do

**Author's Note:**

> First time I've tried a Torchwood fic. It took me a while to get their voices in my head. All dialogue, no inner monologue. More of a script that anything else.

“Here.”

Jack looked down at the folded photograph in his hands, and then back up at Ianto.

“Where’d you get this?” Jack asked.

“You left it on your desk. I found it when I was cleaning up some files for the archives.”

“Ah.” Jack said, looking down at the photo and then back up at Ianto. Ianto was standing stiffly, arms behind his back, looking at Jack with an odd expression on his face. Ianto started a sentence, stopped, and then tried again.

“Is it… you never said you’ve been married.”

“No,” said Jack, simply.

“Why not?”

It didn’t sound like a challenge, but Jack could hear one anyway. “It was a long time ago.”

Ianto furrowed his brow, and picked up the tray of used mugs he’d set down on the table. “Everything is for you, isn’t it?” he said, and then turned and headed up to the kitchen. Jack watched him go for a moment, and then sprang up the stairs after him.

“Are you angry at me?”

“No,” said Ianto, stepping into the kitchen and putting the tray down before looking at him.

“Ianto,” said Jack, stressing his syllables. “She _died_.”

“Obviously.”

Jack was stunned. Ianto was many things other people didn’t expect, but callous was not one of them. Ianto seemed to feel the same way, and looked down, abashed.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” he murmured.

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Jack wasn’t sure if he should be angry, now, too, but first he wanted to figure out what was going on with Ianto.

“No. And I am angry. Maybe more at myself than at you, but angry nonetheless.”

“Why?” Jack asked.

“Because I don’t particularly appreciate having to pull my boyfriend off a bride at her wedding.”

“Pardon me?”

“You heard me.”

Jack frowned at Ianto, who was watching him with clear eyes, gauging his reaction. “What are you talking about? Maybe I’ve got my centuries wrong, but I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to dance with someone you’re not involved with.”

“Dancing, yes,” said Ianto, rolling his eyes. “Gazing soulfully at them is on the not-recommended list.”

Jack let out a short breath. “Damnit, Ianto, I asked you out!”

“And you also fucked me, sir. I don’t assume that means more than what it is.”

“Christ. I thought we were past this. Are you angry because I could be interested in Gwen?”

“Could be?” Ianto gave him a sardonic look.

“Ianto, I can be infatuated with more than one person at once. Heck, I can be in love with more than one person at once. But I’m only with one person. And that’s you. Appreciate what I choose to do, not what just happens because I’m human.”

“Are you just with me? We’ve never clarified. I didn’t think monogamy was your thing.”

Jack shoved the photo he was holding in Ianto’s face. “Clearly, I’m capable.”

Ianto softened a little, reaching up and taking Jack’s wrist in his hand, pulling him closer. “You seem so opposed to it now.”

“I have good enough reasons,” Jack shrugged.

“Fear?”

“Mostly.”

“Why?”

“She _died_ , Ianto,” said Jack, forcefully, reaching up and putting a hand on Ianto’s chest. He shook his head. “Fuck, you’re young.”

Ianto crumpled a little; Jack could feel him sag under his hands and watched his so-far impassive face fall.

“Shit. I’m sorry,” said Jack, biting his lip. “I know you’ve lost people. I know you lost Lisa, but. It’s not even about losing people. Everyone loses someone, someday. I’m not trying to deny you that.”

“Very kind of you,” Ianto said tartly.

Jack gave him a pained look. “Don’t play dumb, Ianto,” he said, roughly. “You’re too smart.”

“You want me to say it?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. You lose everyone.”

“Yes.”

“You have lost everyone you’ve ever loved, everyone you’ve ever known, and someday, you’ll lose us too.” Ianto took a breath, and reached up to wind his fingers into Jack’s hand, still resting on his chest.

“You’ll lose me. And you hold onto us all so hard to try to forget that, but at the same time keep us so far away. You try to keep from loving us, you try to keep from becoming dependent on us, you try to keep us out of your past, because you know if you do, it will hurt all the more when we, probably sooner rather than later, pass through this mortal coil.”

Jack stared at him. “Smart. Just like I said. Fucking brilliant.”

“Don’t patronize me, Jack. I know who you are, I know how you are, and I choose to be with you anyway.”

“Then why are you angry?”

“Because some days, such as yesterday, I feel like you would throw all that long-earned caution into the wind, for her.”

Ah. Jack grinned, suddenly, and Ianto looked surprised. Jack hastened to explain. “No. No, I wouldn’t. But I’m not sure you’ll like the reason why.”

“Go on.”

“I wouldn’t get involved with Gwen because she’s naive. She’s… not fragile, that would be underestimating her, but she’s innocent. I’m a great shag, Ianto, but a terrible partner.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“Hush. Gwen needs someone like Rhys. His loyalty, his honesty, his unconditional love. I can’t afford to give those things out. I’m… I’m broken, Ianto, like some parody of a human being, giving only shadows and taking everything I can to get through another day. She couldn’t handle that.”

“But you think I can?”

Jack paused, and looked thoughtful for a moment, before shrugging. “I don’t know. Better than her, certainly, because you see me as a man, not a savior. A fucked up man, at that, and you’re still here. But I’m probably still making a terrible mistake.”

“Then why risk it?”

Jack laughed, and put an arm around Ianto’s waist, pulling him in like he had when they danced. He put his mouth to Ianto’s ear, whispering. “I’m human, Ianto. Sometimes I can’t help myself.”


End file.
